


Last Words of a Shooting Star

by cosmic_mars



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Bad Communication, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pining, Post-Book 1: Carry On, Post-Canon, Pre-Book 2: Wayward Son, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Yearning, and its really sad, baz is looking back on his past, someone give baz a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27966485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_mars/pseuds/cosmic_mars
Summary: Baz regrets and regrets and regrets. But he will never regret Simon.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 18





	Last Words of a Shooting Star

**Author's Note:**

> this is loosely based off of the song "Last Words of a Shooting Star" by Mitski
> 
> if you haven't heard that song while thinking of baz what are you doing with your life
> 
> anyways,, enjoy!!!!!!!!

Baz sits with his head against the headboard of the bed, his left arm carefully wrapped around the shoulder of a sleeping Simon. In front of their shared bed in their newly-bought London apartment, there's an old TV that is rerunning old black and white sitcoms. It's a nice background noise. Baz's eyes refuse to focus though, so he gives up on trying to pay attention to the TV and instead focuses on his sleeping boyfriend.

The way he's positioned should be disgusting. It should be revolting how Simon breathes out of his mouth loudly. It should be off-putting to see the drool falling out of his mouth onto Baz's shirt, but it isn't. It's quite the opposite actually. He's has always had trouble with finding anything Simon does as disgusting. Everything he does, whether it be flailing a sword around, or rubbing his eyes blearily after waking up, it all just makes Baz fall more and more in love with him.

He looks back quite un-fondly on the days where he was falling in love, fantasizing about his own death at the hands of the only person to ever make him feel alive. There was so much fear and pain that played into everything at Watford that it's almost surreal to be in the arms of Snow. He never thought he would ever get the chance to do this. He thought that the only moment where he could stop pretending for a few seconds would be on his deathbed, desperately using his last bits of strength to tug Simon's lips down to his. Because no matter how hard he tried, and how much he willed himself to stop, there's no universe where he wouldn't fall in love with Simon. It was inevitable.

But apparently the world is much kinder than he thought. But, then again, maybe it isn't. Although his life at this moment is like a dream come true, he also knows that there's not always a happy ending. He knows that at the end of the day, Simon latched onto the closest thing he could at his time of grieving and pain, and hasn't quite learned how to let go yet. There's no possible way that Simon could have genuinely and utterly fall in love with a monster like Baz, especially in such a short time. The time has flown by so quickly and messily that he has trouble sorting out the past few months himself, and he can't imagine what it must be like for Simon with a dead father and a vampire boyfriend. 

Sometimes when he's reminded of how easily good things come to an end, he thinks about his mother. His mother, who in a fit of desperation took her own life rather than be a monster along with her son. No matter how much time has passed, that fact is always bright behind Baz's eyes. It's still so fresh and painful just to have one fleeting thought about whether his mother would love him or not. Because no matter how much Fiona and Malcom reassure Baz that his mother loved him so very dearly, and did what she did to protect him from harm, he can't seem to get the thought out of his head that she would hate the sight of him. That even though so much good came out of his existence, the fangs would overpower it all. That at the end of the day, no matter how hard he tries, he's unloveable by everyone. Let alone his mother, and let alone the sun itself.

It's difficult to accept the truth. To accept that one day Simon will realize what he is and push him away from everything he's latched onto over the years, but he knows it's for the best. He's just thankful that he's had practice at detaching himself from the one that he loves. 

He would rather feel the pain of losing the light of his life than watch as Simon slowly realizes how wrong he's been about Baz. That's probably selfish, but it's the one thing keeping Baz from attaching himself fully to Simon, and all the pain that comes with him.

As he watches his sleeping lover in his arm, he savors the moments he can before its all over.

**Author's Note:**

> i love to write about baz and how growing up preparing to kill the love of his life affected him. sorry for the angst lol
> 
> thanks for reading!!1!!!!1!


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